Earlier today, I set up what is know known as the inaugural Stu Lantz LiveBlog Experience. Me and tsarist devotee Devin are watching the Los Angeles Lakers take on the Portland Trail Blazers and giving you continuous analysis of the one and only Stu Lantz’s color analytics. So go ahead and watch the game, then keep checking back here as we will be updating with the latest Stu-isms and making sense out of everything that comes out of his mouth.

Heeeere we go:

Pre-game:
-At the first shot of Stu, we are instantly informed that he isn’t, in fact, wearing suspenders. Good to know.
-Stu is whimsically staring off at the Rose Garden crowd as they file into the building. Joel Meyers does the actual speaking.
-HE’S ACTUALLY PROVIDING ANALYSIS! Oh wait… its only about Vladimir Radmonovic’s defense. Don’t know if that counts…
-Joel advises us to stay out of the way when Stu starts dancing tonight - this should be good…
-In reference to Lamar Odom’s recent beasting: “Lamar is playing like a video game right now, and hopefully, that video game continues for quite some time” - Yes, it’s on:

First Quarter:
11:32 - Joel Pryzbilla is out with a broken hand, Stu points out that this might be beneficial to the Lakers. YA THINK?
9:58 - “As soon as the ball was taken away by Derek Fisher , Pau stepped on the gas and said ‘Oh I’m gonna get in this break’, Kobe says ‘I love it- that means I don’t have to do too much early’” - Oh the commentating narration begins…
6:52 - “Like the officials don’t have enough to look for now they gotta start inspecting everybody to look for blood on’em? C’mon…”
Still 6:52 - “He got a block alright. A block of the head…” - “Not a lot of fatty tissue on the elbow. A lotta bone”
6:12 - “When you get back-doored you open up” - So easily misconstrued.
5:35 - Coming out of the time-out, Stu takes a moment to give us a bit of insight into the game of Channing Frye: “They look for him to continue to grow. Not as physically, but as a player” - Heartwarming stuff.

Second Quarter:
10:45 - “That last basket by Jordan, nice move past his man and then Outlaw was just a fixture on the floor” - Paint the picture, paint the picture
9:51 - “You mentioned they have a small backcourt, but the Lakers have a small backcourt themselves- with Jordan and Sasha and neither one of them uh can really you know do a lot of post-up or anything” - Way to state the obvious. They’re short, they’re not going to work the post. Thanks.
8:41 - Maniacal cackle. “At least keep your eyes open when you do that, Sasha”
Still 8:41 - Sidenote: Why is Stu always the one giving get well shout outs to fourth-degree connections to the Laker organization?
6:37 - After a sick Kobe baseline fader “I mean seriously- behind the glass, in front of the glass, eyes closed, does. not. matter. continuation. splash.”
2:54 - “It was just hot potato. He didn’t have to get rid of the pass quite that fast” - Stu Lantz. Rhyming. Poetry in motion.

Third Quarter:
10:18 - “Boy that three point shot can get you into a game fast. But you know what, it can get you out of one fast just as quick” - So there are rules regarding double negatives in the English language. Is there anything related to using double speed synonyms?
7:32 - “Hehe I love the fans. Any call that goes against their favorite team they think is wrong. Boy they do a lot of refereeing with their heart”
3:29 - After Lamarcus Aldridge swats the ball into the 5th row: “No, he swatted that ten rows into the stands. Wow, he got all of that one. They better get another ball cuz that one’s missing a little bit of air. Hehe”
0:24 - “Lakers lookin’ like they- might be in a semi zone? This should be interesting” - Stu, you’re the paid analyst. You tell me if its a zone or not.

Fourth Quarter:
7:03 - With the Lakers trailing by 10: “The Lakers just can’t find a way up that hill. They’ve tried the Go-Kart, they might want to go to somethin’ stronger”
2:54 - “It’s a 102 93 score, and that’s only because Radmanovic brought another rainmaker- which is easy to do here in Portland” - Fun Fact: Portland averages 2.4 inches of rain in the month of April.
1:36 - “Now you have to be clean. Now you have to be clean. Stops. Scores. Stops. Scores” - Now you have to use complete sentences.
0:20 - “Even if he misses both of ‘em here, its a 4 point game. The shot clock is beddy-bye. Now you’re in foul foul foul”
0:08 - “8.8 and the Lakers are down- 7. Practice things you need in the future” - HUH?

Aaand that’s it, folks. The Lakers fall 112-103 in Portland. A quasi weak game by Lantz standards. I place the loss squarely on his shoulders for not being as excited as he should have been.

Stu-mometer reading: 6/10

Longtime Los Angeles Lakers fans remember the days of Chick Hearn and Stu Lantz as their formidable broadcasting duo. Well, moreso it was just Chick, who could take over the game and run it all on his own.

Sadly, Chick was taken from us in 2002. Even more sadly perhaps, Stu Lantz retained his position as the Lakers color commentator. And so it begins…

From here on out, Stu was glorified simply for being associated with the legendary Chick Hearn. He seemingly has a job for life and somehow managed to win the Southern California Sports Broadcasters Association award for best radio commentator in six out of seven years at one point.

HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY LISTENED TO THE DRIVEL COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH???

He is by no means a good color commentator. As per Wikipedia, the lead authority on everything, “the color commentator provides expert analysis and background information, such as statistics, strategy and injury reports, on the teams and athletes, and occasionally light humor.”

I guess Stu accomplished the “light humor” aspect of his job - if by “light” you mean “absolutely fucking nonsensical”

With this in mind, I have decided its about damn time someone creates a running script of his on-air musings. It’s just gotten way too ridiculous as his tenure lengthens and I don’t think he’s even trying to be coherent anymore.

The season is nearly over and there is one lone KCAL9 telecast left. If I were to engage in this activity for a Fox Sports feed, then at least I have the beauty of HDTV and don’t focus on the color commentary as much whilst enjoying the pretty visuals. I told myself it is essential to watch the ridiculously bad KCAL telecast and feed for it will better help me focus on the magic that is Stu Lantz.

So “tune in” to this blog tonight at 7:00PM as the Lakers travel to play the Portland Trail Blazers in the inaugural Stu Lantz LiveBlog Experience.

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