Big ups to J.E. Skeets and The Big Lead for showing some love to my earlier Western Conference Edition. A lot of you seemed to enjoy the first installation, so hopefully you’re still here for round 2.

The SNES/Genesis version that I follow for this used the 1993-1994 rosters, so any suggestions for optimal lineups I mention are based on the previous year’s merits.

He’s heating up…

Eastern Conference

Atlanta Hawks - Dominique Wilkins, Stacey Augmon

Nique was an absolute beast. He looked more natural than anyone spinning through the air, a flaming trail emanating from the ball as he jammed it home. Mookie Blaylock appeared in Augmon’s place on Sega CD and Gameboy. He deserved the start based on his superior name alone. A friend of mine named her dog Mookie in the man’s honor. True story.

Boston Celtics - Dee Brown, Robert Parish

Although this wasn’t nearly as bad as the post-Showtime Lakers Jam roster, why the hell was a then 40 year old Parish appearing in a high paced basketball videogame? If Rick Fox was already nailing Vanessa Williams, I give him the automatic nod. By the way, these pairings were all over the place as well, with Nique appearing in several versions as well, while still doin it for the Hawks in our SNES/Genesis version used as a model. Shenanigans!

Charlotte Hornets - Larry Johnson, Alonzo Mourning

Beastly. Oh what could have been if these two had stayed together longer and not gone downhill. The Hornets would inevitably still be in Charlotte and no one would have to endure the atrocity that is Bobcats basketball.

Chicago Bulls - Scottie Pippen, Horace Grant

Jordan didn’t bless this game with his license, but Pippen was graced with Jordan-esque attributes to make up for it. Horace Grant pixelatedly signaled halftime with his emphatic jam and subsequent celebratory fist pump whilst charging the camera.

Cleveland Cavaliers - Mark Price, Brad Daugherty

For whatever reason, I was under the impression that Mark Price never missed a single three. Daugherty’s moustache creeped the hell out of me. I miss the old Cavs uniform color scheme.

Detroit Pistons - Isiah Thomas, Bill Laimbeer

Laimbeer was ancient at this point, but there was no way they could exclude him, what with all the turbo-infused elbows being thrown around. Had we known that Isiah would’ve ended up as big of an embarrasment as he has, obviously Joe Dumars would’ve gotten the nod.

Indiana Pacers - Reggie Miller, Derrick McKey

Obviously, Reggie stroked it. McKey wasn’t on the team in 1992-1993, so why not just use Rik Smits? If only for the sake of watching a 7′4″ Dutchman go flying across the court when hit by an errant elbow from a diminutive guard.

Milwaukee Bucks - Brad Lohaus, Blue Edwards

Reader Justin nailed it on the head. By far the worst team in the game. Resident alcoholic Vin Baker was adopted for various versions, but most people were stuck with this tandem. Ugh at least throw in Moses Malone from the 1992-1993 roster for the sake of sentimentality.

Miami Heat - Rony Seikaly, Harold Miner

As bad as the Heat were and as much as Glen Rice needed to be in the console version, Harold “Baby Jordan” Miner was present, and once inspired me to write this NBA Jam haiku

Harold Miner rocks
Turbo use makes sneakers glow
Boomshakalaka

New Jersey Nets - Derrick Coleman, Kenny Anderson

Justin was also correct in pointing out this highly underrated duo. There was always something about seeing their faces side by side that made me clutch the controller a bit tighter cuz I knew the game wasn’t gonna be a gimme.

RIP Drazen Petrovic.

New York Knicks - Patrick Ewing, John Starks

Had Charles Oakley transferred over from the arcade version, no one would’ve left a match against them with all of their bones intact. From a strategic standpoint, Starks completed this one. They were one of the best.

Orlando Magic - Nick Anderson, Scott Skiles

Shaq was excluded for the same reason MJ was. But that didn’t matter as it seemed as if they beefed up Nick Anderson to compensate. This was my team whenever I played. In my mind, Skiles, just like Mark Price, could never miss from distance.

Philadelphia 76ers - Clarence Weatherspoon, Jeff Hornacek

As a youth, the name Clarence Weatherspoon often made me giggle. Until now, I had forgotten that Hornacek ever even played on any team that wasn’t the Jazz. Hersey Hawkins is also a funny name.

Washington Bullets - Tom Gugliotta, Harvey Grant

I forgot that Harvey Grant even existed, period. I wonder if Horace only let Midway use his halftime fist pump clip on the grounds that his identical twin was a starter in this game. For whatever reason, the game announcer loved screaming “ugly shot!” at these guys more often than the rest. Calbert Cheaney was marginally more formidable.

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Sadness. Our journey is complete. Perhaps sometime down the line NBA Jam: TE will require a proper roasting as well. Till then…

Inspired by this excellent recollection of NHL 94, I felt basketball was equally deserving of such an honor with none other than the original NBA Jam.

Looking back at the rosters, some of these 2-player combinations seemed utterly ridiculous. Its also definitely entertaining to see all the names and realize what they’ve been through and where they’ve ended up since Jam’s release in 1993.

Time to boot up the ol’ SNES/Sega Genesis and see where we were 15 years ago in the West…

Western Conference

Dallas Mavericks - Derek Harper, Jim Jackson

Harper was a fixture on most consoles, and with a moustache like his, how could he not be? Kudos to Jim Jackson for still being on the active NBA radar. He actually originally replaced Mike Iuzzolino, a 2nd round draft pick that played a tidy 2 seasons in the NBA before bolting for Europe

Denver Nuggets - Dikembe Mutumbo, LaPhonso Ellis

After asking the coeds of Georgetown who wanted to sex Mutumbo, the big man burst onto the NBA scene. He could have definitely used help in this game though from a quicker shooting guard, a la Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf. C’mon - the big man/guard dunk/outside shooting combination is necessary for Jam success.

Golden States Warriors - Tim Hardaway, Chris Mullin

Too bad John Amaechi wasn’t in this game to potentially complete one of the most awkward pairings possible. Mullin made it rain and is still a Warrior, acting as their current GM, but you really needed a guy like Latrell Sprewell to throw it down here.

Houston Rockets - Hakeem Olajuwon, Vernon Maxwell

Bam - perfect combination right here. The Dream would stuff you on one end and then stuff it down your throat on the other, and Maxwell was the outside touch. They HAD to have given Mad Max some extra attributes for his turbo elbow throws based on the fact that he was, well, mad.

Los Angeles Clippers - Danny Manning, Ron Harper

Is it just me, or has Ron Harper always seemed old and cagey, even though he had only been in the league for like 7 years at this point? Also, does anyone realize that Elgin Baylor was an executive with the Clips even back then and was responsible for drafting Manning? Also part two: Loy Vaught. You were awesome.

Los Angeles Lakers - Vlade Divac, James Worthy

Post-Showtime rebuilding Lake Show. Magic-less and scared. Nick Van Exel probably would have been a better pick. Paired with a young Vlade, they presented the most tremendous upside potential to maybe squeak out wins.

Minnesota Timberwolves - Christian Laettner, Chuck Person

Surprising that Doug West wasn’t in this pairing, considering he was the team’s leading scorer the previous season. The wizards at Midway did the right thing in pairing Person with budding big man Laettner.

Phoenix Suns - Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson

Where’s Barkley, you ask? Oh he was busy teaming with Accolade on Shut Up And Jam, thus keeping his rights to himself and out of the hands of midway. KJ was the next clear choice, despite his prior injury-riddle campaign. For the sake of the outside/inside balance, Cedric Ceballos may have been better. Sigh… Sir Charles would’ve been a stud in this game given the use of glowing turbo sneakers.

Portland Trail Blazers - Clyde Drexler, Terry Porter

Before they were the Jail Blazers, Portland was a high caliber team that had been to the Finals 2 of the previous 3 years. But alas, Clyde was already gliding downhill and this franchise would turn ugly fast. Bold prediction: Terry Porter is fired as Suns head coach by the All-Star break.

Sacramento Kings - Wayman Tisdale, Mitch Richmond

One of them piggybacked his way to a championship, the other started cutting jazz records. Excellent omission of Spud Webb. Dude would’ve gotten KILLED by one of Vernon Maxwell’s turbo elbows.

San Antonio Spurs - David Robinson, Sean Elliott

The three-point prowess of a Dale Ellis or the speed of an Avery Johnson may have been better pairings next to the Admiral. Perhaps the powers that be were simply letting Elliott shine knowing that he would be suffering some hardships down the road. Additionally, Chuck Person was the starter in the Sega CD version, yet appears with the Timberwolves in this SNES/Genesis version were using as a template. Shenanigans!

Seattle Supersonics - Shawn Kemp, Detlef Schrempf

Astute move by Midway adding Schrempf to the roster despite his existing as a Pacer the year prior. Everyone knows this should have been Gary Payton feeding the Reignman. Any guesses on how many kids Kemp had fathered at this point in his career? I’ll say 4.

Utah Jazz - Karl Malone, John Stockton

Of COURSE it was gonna be these two. Who did you think it was gonna be? A young Ike Austin? As good of a pair as these two were throughout their careers and in the game, did anyone ever even want to play with them?

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Do you remember playing the game as well? Got something to add to the post? Did I screw up anywhere (I’m sure I did)? Let me know!

Thanks to Basketball-Reference and Wikipedia for making this happen. Check back in the coming days for the Eastern Conference recap!