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If for whatever reason I was forced to root for the Minnesota Timberwolves, I would most likely have gouged my eyes out by now.
I was unfortunate enough to have watched my team play in Minnesota last night, and this alone was way more than enough for me.
Seriously though – how are they a basketball team? And why the hell are people paying money to go see them? It’s like buying a ticket to the NBA game later that night and being entitled to free admission to that afternoon’s D-League affiliate scrimmage. Except the NBA game never happens. And to classify the T’Wolves as D-League caliber would be an insult to the D-League. At least they have quirky types playing there with unnecessary apostrophes and hyphenations in their names.
But I digress.
As inexplicable as it is that fans still show up for games, I do feel sorry for them. You fire your old coach, Flip Saunders, and he guides the Detroit Pistons to a new franchise best regular season record. Your pride and joy, Kevin Garnett, takes off and immediately wins a championship in Boston.
I mean, surely they’re not showing up for the likes of:
Mike “Looks Like Your Pig Faced Half Cousin” Miller
Brian “Barely A Fringe Rec League Reserve” Cardinal
Kevin “Thank You For Trading Me Somewhere Whiter” Love
Randy “At Night I Pretend I’m Brandon Roy” Foye
Mark “Irrelevant Since His Championship Dance Antics” Madsen
Sebastian “Careful How You Flaunt Your Starbury Connection” Telfair
Al “The Fat Man’s KG” Jefferson
Well OK – maybe they’re still showing up for the Fat Man’s KG. But damn does that reek of desperation.
Sorry for taking such a huge shit on you, Minnesota. Nothing personal – it just is what it is. Maybe one of your own can one day build a time machine and keep the Los Angeles Lakers from ever moving away. Things will be different then.
